NEWS:

My Credit Card is Fucked

This month our clients continue to pay us fuck all so we’re giving the company credit card a hammering. As a well established shit show we love the 39% interest.

Spotlight

This months spotlight goes to Sarah’s Florist. Sarah couldn’t find anyone to decorate her Mums 60th Birthday so thought she’d have a go herself. Sarah said:

I’m the sort of person who likes to get involved. I purchased some shit balloons from Amazon and loved the product. We got well pissed at Mums 60th and friends were asking me to decorate their parties. Word of mouth spread and now I’m working at car showrooms, corporate banks and travelling the world.

OH FUCK OFF SARAH

Inspiration

At this point in the article we like to show you a balloon sculpture of a 60ft Dinosaur installed in a shopping mall that no fucker can build or sell. Instead here’s a photo of a shit balloon arch:

SHIT STAFF

At Shit Balloons we only employ bastards. Our latest recruit is Dave:

Dave was late for his interview and filled his CV with totally fucking nonsense - he seems a perfect fit at Shit Balloons.

Unfortunately he missed his first day because his dog “Elsie” had the shits. Don’t worry Dave, fuck all on here, we’ve got your back.

Shit Balloons makes a profit
Here at shit balloons we’ve just received our draft company accounts. The good news is the bottom line shows a £5000 profit for the year. The bad news is we reduced our debt by £10,000 & increased out stock by £10,000 so we’re still fucked.

VAT Return fun

As always the VAT is due and it’s the usual £5000. Never a problem paying this as we are simply holding the governments money until it’s due to transfer (like fuck).

Learn to Sell

Learn to upsell with good email technic, here’s today’s example:

Hi Shit Balloons,I love your website and the photos of your work. I’ve got a very special event approaching and I’d like something like the attached image I found on Instagram, Yours Faithfully Rosie

How lovely, here’s the shit balloons reply:

Hi Rosie, If you like the photos on our website so much why the fuck are you sending an image of a fucking horse cart covered in peach balloons double stuffed inside Grey ai bull shit.

Best of Luck with your event.

Shit Balloons Ltd

Written & published by david.saker.uk